As I am sitting alone at my window, watching the raindrops hit the glass,
I fight the urge to venture out from my cozy office.
Outside the thunder and lightning are having a rousing conversation.
It dawns on me that I want to be in the middle of it.
…
I want to be in the midst of all that unbridled power.
To be surrounded by something I can’t control, something deadly.
I need to feel alive again. I need to take a risk.
When the frenzy of the storm takes over, I don’t fight the urge anymore.
…
In one fluid movement, I kick off my slippers and throw my cardigan on the floor.
Standing at the front door with my hands on the frame, I feel it quivering from the loud booms.
The thunder wakes something from deep within.
I take a step further out onto the porch.
…
The hair on my arms stands on end. The lightning has left electricity in the air.
My pulse is racing. My mind is telling me to stay where I am.
My heart is screaming at me to run.
After a few more moments of hesitation, I take my heart’s advice.
…
I run to the middle of my front yard. With my face turned toward the sky, I fall to my knees.
The rain stings my bare skin. The wet grass cowers under the weight of my body.
My clothes are soaked through. My hair is a disheveled mess.
None of that matters.
…
As the thunder and lightning rage, so does my spirit.
My tears mix with the rain. A clap of thunder reverberates around me. I close my eyes and let go.
I scream at the top of my lungs. A guttural scream that comes from deep within.
Compared to the furious ear-shattering booms, I might as well have been silent.
…
I scream until I have nothing left. I scream while the regret, deceit, and pain he caused slips away.
My voice has given up. Just as I have given up on him.
Holding on to hope is just too hard. It’s not worth it.
I don’t want this anymore. I can’t do it. I won’t do it.
…
Drained, I realize I’ve made my decision.
My throat is sore. My eyes are burning. My skin tingles.
My neck hurts from looking up into the violent storm.
My heart is heavier than it has ever been, yet my soul has begun to mend.
The storm lessened as I sat in the front yard. Eventually, I felt the sun on my face.
I finally rise from my knees and take a deep breath,
Cleansed of the burden I had been carrying for far too long.
Heading back toward the house with clarity, I take the first step to finding a new version of myself, after the storm.
…
© Ana Kimber 2022
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Noah Buscher on Unsplash
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